What Employees Want

I mentioned in my first post back from hiatus that I'm in the new manager-training program at work. What I didn't mention is that I was also elected by the staff in my store to be their new union representative. This is a volunteer position and most of what I do is conflict resolution, which means the staff complains a lot about anything and everything that has nothing to do with the contract that we all have to sign in order to work there. If they would actually take the time to read the contract before coming to me with their nonsense, they would know that I can't do anything about 99% of their complaints.

Needless to say, not only do I have to explain the collective agreement to everyone, but I also have to tell them that their claims are not justifiable or worth the embarrassment. I wonder when they approach me if they have put any thought into the request they are about to hand me. I think not!!!

Anyway, I was sent to take a course to get my steward certificate to be on the negotiation committee for our new contract that takes effect this month. Afterwards, the head union steward told me to come up with five or more important negotiation items that the employees should receive in this new contract, so I did and he approved my suggestions. We then nominated one person in every department to speak to their staff and write down some suggestions that they wanted us to consider and possibly discuss when we sit down with the company to start negotiating terms. Well, as you can probably imagine, what they asked for was nowhere near realistic.

Check out this list:

1. A couple of sofas, a TV and an Xbox in the lunchroom

Right, so you guys can find other ways not to do your jobs? Not gonna happen.

2. A window in the lunchroom

FYI, our lunch room is in the middle of the store, so unless we tunnel through to the outside, this can't happen either.

3. A bigger men's bathroom

Seriously, guys? Exactly how many of you are in there at one time? Are 2 urinals and 2 stalls really not enough??

4. Three extra 5 minute smoke breaks

WTF? They already take smoke breaks whenever they h*ll they want without clocking out, so why even bother asking for this??

5. A Tim Horton’s coffee machine so we don't have to walk across the street to buy coffee

As if we can get an actual Tim Horton's coffee machine. WTF, people? How about you guys buy some Tim's coffee and brew it in the lunch room yourselves, idiots!

6. Weekends off

Sure, the customers can serve themselves on Saturday or Sunday. Genius idea, morons!

7. Casual Friday’s... no uniforms at all

The words "at all" were underlined 10 times, so I guess this one is really important. LOL

8. A choice between hairnets and hats, or no hairnets at all would be preferable.

We work with food, people. You guys seriously think this is going to be approved?

9. More heat in the store because it's really cold

Believe it or not, I actually agree with this one, but it won't happen. Wear more layers, people!!

10. Free shoes

Never going to happen. Besides, the free uniforms they give us are crap, so can you imagine what kind of shoes we'd get if they went for this idea?

11. Store closed on Sunday

Hahaha!! In case you guys forgot, the government decided stores should be open on Sunday's, not us.


- JB

Meat

As most of you know, I don't just have crazy customers showing up at my counter on a daily basis, I also have crazy employees I have to deal with. Well, these people aren't all crazy, but they sure are special, and I obviously do not mean that in a good way. Anyway, what I am about to share with you is one of the more bizarre conversations that I've ever had with a couple of my employees. The whole thing came about because a girl who works with me gets a lot of bladder infections. Now, if you're a woman, then you've probably had at least one bladder infection in your life. (If you're a guy reading this and want to go read something else right now, I totally understand.) Well, I swear this girl has one a month, and I'm so damn tired of hearing her complain about how much her vah-jay-jay hurts. She's twenty something, likes to party and have random sex with guys. It's none of my business what she does on her own time, but her calling in sick all the time, or having to leave work early because she's in pain, means that I have to cover her shift 9 times out of 10. So, when Party Girl recently asked to go home because of yet another bladder infection, I told her that she would just have to suck it up, but then an older woman co-worker said something, and the conversation took a turn that was totally unexpected.

Party Girl: I really have to go home, JB. I'm in major pain.

Me: (you're a major pain...) H*ll, no! Too bad this time. Stop getting plastered every other day and doing the deed with God knows who. Go get some cranberry juice and suffer through it.

Older Woman Co-Worker: Come on now, JB, don't be so hard on her.

PG: Yeah, JB, it really hurts.

Me: (glaring at PG, and then turning to speak to OWC) Why not? She does it to herself and we are busy here. I can't do everything myself, you know.

OWC: But, JB, her meat hurts.

PG: (practically screeching) MY WHAT????

Me: (OMG, WTF??????) Excuse me, what did you say?

OWC: I said her meat hurts.

PG: What????

Me: (holy crap, I did hear right) Her meat???

OWC: Yes, I don't like saying the word.

Me: What word?

OWC: You know...

Me: (maybe...) Come on, tell me.

OWC: V... v... you know...

Me: (omg, seriously??) Are you telling me that you refer to a woman's vagina as her meat??

OWC: (practically cringing... the poor God fearing woman) Yes, meat. I... I don't say the "v" word. My mother told me when I was young that it was a bad word.

PG: (nothing, just a wide eyed look over at me)

Me: (trying not to laugh) OK, explain to me why you call it meat.

OWC: Well, if she (referring to PG) would stop washing her meat in hot water, she would get less infections. Hot water is not good for the meat.

PG: (flabbergasted) Excuse me??

Me: (OMG, is this old woman for real??) You don't honestly believe that, do you?

OWC: (pointing to the left) Look over there, JB.

Me: (the only thing over there is... OMG...) You mean at the meat counter?

OWC: Yes, exactly.

Me: (O... K...) Now what??

OWC: Well, you see the meat over there?

Me: (where the h*ll is she going with this??) Yes...

OWC: Well, the guys over there wash it all in cold water and that's why it's clean.

Me & PG: (nothing, just a quick look between us, eyes bugging out our heads)

OWC: Cold water stops infections, but hot water makes them spread.

(Note: Just so we're clear, I have no frickin' clue where OWC got that idea that the meat department guys wash the meat to keep it clean. Meat is for sale as long as it's fresh. If it doesn't sell, it gets thrown out... not washed.)

Me: (it's too crazy... I have no words... just laughter)

OWC: (very serious) I mean it, JB! My mother always washed my meat in cold water.

Me: (TMI... TMI!!!) I... oh... my... hmmm...

PG: (speaking to OWC) I don't know what the h*ll you're going on about, but my meat, as you call it, hurts because I have sex a lot. You know, sex??

Me: (OMG, she did not just say that!!!!) Uh, PG, that's not...

PG: (interrupting me) You remember, sex, don't you? So, that's why my meat hurts, OK? Not because I wash it with hot water.

Me: (oh, h*ll...) Alright, PG, enough.

OWC: (practically in tears) You... you young people.. you don't know anything... you don't... I am going on my break!!

Me: (ah, sh*t...) Wait...

OWC: (practically running out of the bakery) No, I'm going!

PG: Do you really think she washes her vah-jay-jay with cold water, JB?

Me: (turning to look at PG) Enough! Enough, or I'll end up having nightmares about that old woman and her meat.

PG: I'm in soooo much pain, JB.

And I will never be able to look at meat the same way ever again.

JB

Customer of the Week: Free Meat Lady

Back in March of this year I wrote a post about grocery carts and mentioned that the meat department is located to the left of the bakery. This means that we can often overhear what goes on over there. Well, I shouldn't say often because 99% of the time it's like no one's there. Those guys take as many breaks as they can, and spend the rest of the time hiding out in the back with the meat. To get their attention there is a green call button out front that customers can press, but I promise you that those guys pretend they don't hear it when it goes off because their customers are always coming over to my counter asking if I can page someone. When I asked the manager of the meat department why there's never anyone available out front, he told me to f**k off and mind my own business. Yup, the guy's a real class act.

Anyway...

Recently, an old women (well, she wasn't that old, maybe 65 or so) showed up at the meat counter looking to buy the sirloin special of the week. I don't know how long she'd been waiting for one of the guys to come out and help her, but it must have been too long because she came over to the bakery asking for service. What unfolded from that moment on was quite the spectacle. In the end, a request for sirloin turned into a demand for free meat, and that's exactly what she got.

Free Meat Lady: (approaching the bakery counter) Excuse me, can I get some service?

Me: Yes, mam, what would you like?

FML: I want some meat.

Me: Oh.

FML: How do I get meat service?

Me: Mam, there's a button at the end of the meat counter that you can press. It will alert one of the guys in the back to come out so you can get some service.

FML: Oh, OK. Thank you.

I watched her go over to the meat department to make sure she spotted the button I was talking about. She found it alright, put her finger on it, and let it ring. She waited a few seconds, then pressed it again, this time keeping her finger on it for what seemed like a full minute, but no one came out to serve her. Meanwhile, from where I was standing, I could see through the meat department's backroom door (it has a glass window) that the guys where in there, butchering away. Those guys are such bastards, I was thinking to myself, when...

FML: HELLO??? HELLO?? CAN I GET SOME SERVICE OUT HERE???

The woman had started yelling for one of the guys to come out front.

Me: (turning to speak to Drey, my co-worker) I can see those guys back there. They definitely heard her because I saw them look towards the door when she yelled.

Drey: OMG, this is crazy!

Me: I know!

FML: (banging her hand on the display case) HELLO? (bang, bang, bang) IS ANYONE GOING TO SERVE ME SOME MEAT??? (bang, bang, bang)

Well, that did us in. Drey and I started laughing. I know it wasn't right because that woman did not deserve to be treated like that by those jerks, but you had to be there. We just couldn't help it. We were so far gone, we had to duck behind the counter so no one could see us, especially not FML. I don't think that would have gone over very well.

When we came up for air, I saw the Irishman (one of the guys who works in the meat dept.) exiting the backroom.

Me: (nudging Drey) Look, it's the Irishman. He's going to talk to her.

Drey and I moved closer to the end of the bakery counter so we could hear what they were saying.

Irishman: (speaking to FML) Mam, how can I help you?

FML: (rudely) By serving me some meat.

Irishman: OK, what kind of meat would you like?

FML: I want the sirloin that you have on special.

Irishman: I'm sorry, mam, we're all out.

FML: (raising her voice and getting as close as she could to the Irishman, despite the display case between them) I don't care, I want the special.

Irishman: I'm sorry, mam, I can give you a rain check.

FML: NO! No rain check! Let me speak to your manager!

Irishman: I'll go get him, mam. Just a moment.

Well, forget waiting, FML followed the Irishman behind the counter, and they didn't even get to the door because out came the meat manager with a huge a** knife in his hand. Drey and I gasped as he, FML and the Irishman almost collided.

Meat Mngr: (backing away with his knife just in time) Mam, you can't be back here.

FML: (yelling at the meat manager) I DON'T CARE! I WANT FREE MEAT!

Meat Mngr: OK, Mam, what kind of meat do you want?

FML: I want the meat special. I want the sirloin.

Meat Mngr: Mam, I don't have that, but name your meat, any meat, and you can have it.

FML: I want free meat then.

Meat Mngr: No problem. What kind would you like?

FML: (stressing every word) I WANT FREE MEAT!!

Meat Mngr: Right, OK, mam, I'll be right back.

Off he went into the backroom to get FML some meat. Meanwhile, Drey & I were dying of laughter. It crossed my mind that maybe I should go get myself some Depend undergarments before I pissed myself, and some oxygen for Drey before she passed out.

Meat Mngr: (exiting the backroom with a large package of meat) Here you go, mam. Here is your free meat. I even put a sticker on it so they won't stop you at the cash.

FML: (grabbing the package from his hands & looking it over) It's not what I wanted, but it will do.

And, just like that, it was all over.

Me: (pulling myself together & turning to speak to Drey) Wow, that was... wow.

Drey: Yeah... wow.

Me: I really thought I was gonna pee my pants.

Drey: (giggling) OMG, don't get me started again.

Meat Mngr: (approaching our counter) Hey, you guys hear any of that?

Me: Uh, she was yelling. How the h*ll could we not?

Meat Mngr: F**k, man. I gave her like 10 pounds of free rib eye, and she still wasn't happy.

Me: (gee, I wonder why, jacka**) Yeah, she was pretty pissed.

Meat Mngr: I need an f-ing smoke.


Yeah, shoved up your a**, sh*thead. Maybe that will teach you not to ignore your customers.


JB

The New Girl - Pan(ic) Attack

It's been a week now since the New Girl started working with us, and all I can say is she's really special. I mean it, this girl has to be one of the most special people I have ever met. She's also going to be the death of me. I thought it was going to be cakes, but this girl is killing me slowly with her specialness. On my first day working with her, she was assigned "the breakout" (i.e. prep work for the next days bake), and managed to injure herself before she even got started. I was going on my dinner break at the time, so that meant I was going to be leaving her alone (not a good idea, as I have learned) for a little while.

Me: I'm going to eat now. You should have a good start on the breakout by the time I get back.

New Girl: (looking at the breakout list) The breakout is really big. I mean, look at all of this bread. There are 4 or 5 kinds!

Me: Yeah, there’s a lot to do, but you should be able to finish it all by the time your shift is over.

New Girl: I actually don’t like doing it.

Me: (too bad, so sad) I know it's not exactly fun, but it has to be done.

New Girl: But I...

Me: (calm, JB, calm) I'll be back soon.

Before she could say another word, I turned away from her and took off for the lunchroom. When I got there, the night manager was seated at the table.

Night Mngr: Hi, JB, how's it going?

Me: Good, but what's with teenagers these days?

Night Mngr: Beats the sh*t out of me.

Me: (pulling out a chair to sit down) Man, that new girl is something else. She…

Suddenly, the store speaker crackled, and then we heard: Manager to the bakery, please. Manager to the bakery, please.

Night Mngr: (looking at me) Didn't you just leave there only two minutes ago?

Me: (f**king New Girl!!!!!!!!) I'll be right back.

Off I went to the bakery. When I walked in, there was the New Girl with a hand over her mouth.

Me: (God, what now?) You paged me?

New Girl: (sulking) Yeah, I'm bleeding.

Me: What? Where?

New Girl: My mouth. Look (pulling down her bottom lip to show me the inside), right here.

Me: (wtf, did she seriously call me back here for this?) How did you do that?

New Girl: I hit myself in the face with a pan.

Me: (WTF?) You what?? How?

New Girl: When I pulled the pan out, it slipped in my hand and hit me.

Me: (she hit herself with the pan... hahahahaa!!) OK, so you called me here because you bit your lip when you hit yourself?

New Girl: (totally serious) I need to file an accident report. I'm bleeding and the nerve in my tooth could die!

Me: (Holy God in Heaven, are you f**king kidding me??) You just bit your lip. You'll be OK.

New Girl: (pulling down her lip again) Look, JB, it's swollen.

Me: (it will be if I get my hands on you) Nah, it's not that bad.

New Girl: But…

Me: I'm going back to my dinner now. Finish the breakout (before I f**king grab that pan and beat you with it), and be careful.

Back in the lunchroom, I told the night manager all about New Girl's pan(ic) attack, and the poor woman just about choked on her meal because she was laughing so hard.

Me: I think this chick just might be the death of me.

Night Mngr: If she doesn't kill herself first. Hahahahaha!!!!

Me: Yeah, seriously.

I mean, better her than me, right?

JB

The New Girl

Last week a new guy and girl were hired to work in the bakery. This was good news because there's always a ton of stuff to do, and I'd been asking for more employees since I started my new position. The girl came in for training first, but I wasn't working because it was my day off. The next day, however, Power Ranger and Superstar (nicknames I gave two of the students who work with me) couldn't wait to tell me all about her the second I set foot inside the bakery.

PwrRngr: OMG, thank God you're back!!

Me: Why? You guys miss me?

PwrRngr: You won't believe what the new girl did yesterday?

Me: Please, do tell.

Superstar: No, really, you're not going to believe it.

Me: Just hurry up and tell me because I have a lot of cakes to make.

Superstar: Well, I was making flans & parfaits for you because Lazy McLazy (my manager's nickname because she literally does f**k all at work) wouldn't help us, and in walks the new girl.

Me: And?

Superstar: She saw the strawberries I was using to decorate the flans and she totally freaked out.

Me: What? Why?

Superstar: She said, "OMG, are those strawberries?? Can I have one??? I want to eat it on my break!!" I told her no, we're not allowed to eat the food, but she found herself a really big one and took it anyway.

Me: OK.

Superstar: Then, she put it on her head.

Me: Excuse me?

Superstar: She put it on her head.

Me: (WTF?) Are you two messing with me?

PwrRngr: No, she kept it on her head the whole time she was doing her work.

Me: (again, WTF?) How did she even get it to stay on her head?

PwrRngr: I don't know, but she did. I swear to God, JB! She stood in the corner singing to herself and packing cookies for over an hour with the strawberry on her head.

Me: (who does she think she is, Strawberry freakin' Shortcake?) Didn't anyone tell her to take it off her head?

Superstar: No, we wanted her to get in trouble. She's nuts.

Me: I see. So, is that all?

PwrRngr: No, after she finished with the cookies, she looked at both of us, did a pirouette, and then danced her way to the lunch room to eat her strawberry.

Me: (clearing my throat) A pirouette?

PwrRngr: Uh huh.

Superstar: I'm telling you, JB, she's nuts.

Me: (yup, so far, so nutty) Is she working today?

Superstar: No, thank God.

PwrRngr: Yeah, she scares me.

Me: OK, enough about the new girl, let's get to work.

The new guy better f**king be normal.

JB