Back in December, I had this heated conversation with my Ex that I was going to blog about, but I never did. I wrote the draft & Eddy looked it over for me, but it was never published because I finally decided that I was done with her. Anyway, when I decided to feature Stephanie's blog this week, I remembered that I still had the post saved in my drafts, and thought that I'd post it now. You'll have to go over to Stephanie's blog to really understand why.
OK, about the conversation. Well, it was rather long, so I'm going to sum things up for you by saying that it all came about based on something that my Ex told me towards the end of last Summer. Basically, she said that I just have to deal with who she is now. I know what you're thinking because it's what I was thinking, i.e. exactly who is she now? So, I asked her to explain herself…
Me: OK, wtf are you trying to tell me? Spit it out.
My Ex: You don't understand what's happened to me.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Where have I been all these years, in the closet?
My Ex: What closet? What do you mean?
Me: This is going right over your head, isn't?
My Ex: (in a screeching voice) I’m straight now! I'm straight now – that's it!
Me: (totally laughing my a** off, thinking she's so far back in the closet, she can see Narnia)
My Ex: Stop laughing at me. Stop it!
Me: Please, you're not straight and never have been. It's time you accept that you’re bi.
My Ex: Stop it, JB, you don't understand me.
Me: (laughing) Stop lying to yourself. You're bi and that’s it. When you come to terms with your sexuality maybe then you'll stop yelling at me about who you really are.
My Ex: This was hard for me.
Me: What? F**king your guy friend because you couldn't leave your little nest to f**k a real man?
My Ex: Stop it! I don't want to hear this.
Me: Oh, that's it, huh? I can only say what you want to hear?
My Ex: Stop.
Me: Let me tell you something, screwing your guy friend doesn't make you straight.
My Ex: Please, I know what I did.
Me: OK, you're straight now, but for 14 years you were not straight, not bi, not anything?
My Ex: I’m sorry.
Me: Oh, yeah? OK, go be straight with your dirty, pot smoking, little boy.
There you have it, people. My Ex claims that she’s straight now. Oh, yeah? Well, just to make sure that I wasn't in my own little world with regards to how things went down, I called my therapist for another point-of-view. Turns out what I had to say did make sense, so that’s a relief. My therapist said that if my Ex has to justify her sexual orientation with me, it's a clear indication that she's confused. Furthermore, for her to spend 14 years with a woman and then suddenly claim to be straight is a lie. She's bi-sexual and simply can't deal with her sexuality.
Yes, my thoughts exactly.
JB
Showing posts with label my Ex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my Ex. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It's Done
If you've been following my blog for a while now, then you know all about my Ex and how I've been dealing since we split. You also know that I tried to cut ties with her completely last Fall, but it didn't last very long. Well, since then I'd been trying to bring myself to do it again and, thanks to Eddy, my new friend Indy, and the sheer power that I somehow managed to find inside myself, I finally did. It all went down while I was in the middle of working on a new blog post. There I was typing away, when up pops this online message from my Ex:
Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.
I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.
I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.
Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!
My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.
Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.
My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.
Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?
My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.
Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.
My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.
Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.
My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.
My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you
Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.
My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.
Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.
My Ex: You don't mean this.
Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!
My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.
Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!
Click.
There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.
As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.
JB
Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.
I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.
I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.
Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!
My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.
Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.
My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.
Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?
My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.
Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.
My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.
Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.
My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.
My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you
Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.
My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.
Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.
My Ex: You don't mean this.
Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!
My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.
Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!
Click.
There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.
As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.
JB
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Pain: My Word of the Month
Knowing that there is worse pain doesn't make present pain hurt any less.
- Real Live Preacher
Definitions for the word 'pain' found on the Web:
- a symptom of some physical hurt or disorder
- emotional distress; a fundamental feeling that people try to avoid
- a somatic sensation of acute discomfort
- something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness
- cause emotional anguish or make miserable
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
It’s -30 outside and I’m sitting here in my PJ's wondering when the pain in my heart will subside. I figure that maybe at some point it will stop or I will stop it. I haven’t figured out how yet, but sooner or later it has to go away.
The pain I feel is comprised of loneliness, sadness, disappointment, and yearning for someone who is completely oblivious and unaware of what has happened to us. I guess living in denial is easier. I wish I could be like her... dead inside. Sure, my Ex claims to be sorry, but it’s me who's alone at night with my memories and heartache. This is who I am... a heartbroken, lonely, slightly depressed person who can’t let go of the love that held her together for so many years. She, on the other hand, is a cold, heartless wench with no feelings for me whatsoever, and I don’t get it at all. How can she just put it out of her mind like it never happened?
Holy crap, I just read that back, and I'm pathetic. Please, someone slap me in the face and tell to f**king get a grip. I should be confined to a small room & made to forget, but how do you make the heart forget? I feel sad and I miss her... that’s it and that’s all.
JB
P.S. About that room, better make it a padded one, please. I hear it's easier to write on the walls.
- Real Live Preacher
Definitions for the word 'pain' found on the Web:
- a symptom of some physical hurt or disorder
- emotional distress; a fundamental feeling that people try to avoid
- a somatic sensation of acute discomfort
- something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness
- cause emotional anguish or make miserable
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
It’s -30 outside and I’m sitting here in my PJ's wondering when the pain in my heart will subside. I figure that maybe at some point it will stop or I will stop it. I haven’t figured out how yet, but sooner or later it has to go away.
The pain I feel is comprised of loneliness, sadness, disappointment, and yearning for someone who is completely oblivious and unaware of what has happened to us. I guess living in denial is easier. I wish I could be like her... dead inside. Sure, my Ex claims to be sorry, but it’s me who's alone at night with my memories and heartache. This is who I am... a heartbroken, lonely, slightly depressed person who can’t let go of the love that held her together for so many years. She, on the other hand, is a cold, heartless wench with no feelings for me whatsoever, and I don’t get it at all. How can she just put it out of her mind like it never happened?
Holy crap, I just read that back, and I'm pathetic. Please, someone slap me in the face and tell to f**king get a grip. I should be confined to a small room & made to forget, but how do you make the heart forget? I feel sad and I miss her... that’s it and that’s all.
JB
P.S. About that room, better make it a padded one, please. I hear it's easier to write on the walls.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Three Boxes
The other night, after New Year's dinner with family, I went home with no real plans for the evening. Basically, I was just going to take it easy, but then something came over me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on the floor with three boxes, taking a trip down memory lane.
The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:
Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.
Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.
~sigh ~
Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.
Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.
JB
The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:
Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.
Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.
~sigh ~
Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.
Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.
JB
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Trust: My Word of the Month
Trust is like a mirror. Once it’s broken, you never look at it the same again.
- Anonymous
Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:
- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.
How important is trust to you?
JB
- Anonymous
Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:
- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.
How important is trust to you?
JB
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tea Time With My Ex
If you've been following my blog from the beginning, then you know that I cut ties with my Ex back in September. Well, I somehow went and undid all that last weekend. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking, right? Well, the last few weeks have been very difficult for me, so I guess I wasn't really thinking at all when she called (even though I told her we can’t be friends) and asked if I’d like to go out for tea. I shouldn't have gone, but I had a complete moment of utter weakness, and suddenly I really needed a tiny ponies fix. You see, not seeing my Ex drives me nuts, and seeing her makes me nuts. So, whatever, I’m nuts.
Before I get to our conversation over tea, I should probably back up a bit because what led up to it actually started when my uncle passed away. She’d called to say that she was sorry for my loss, and I was really feeling out of my mind at the time, so I totally went off on her. I mean, it was a super evil tirade. If anyone ever yelled at me the kind of things that I yelled at her that day, I would have told them to go straight to h*ll, but my Ex just took it like a punching bag. She also continued to call me for the next few days, until I finally had nothing more to yell about. Either she’s a masochist, really misses me, or both. I don’t know.
Anyway, back to going out for tea… We sat & talked for quite some time. Actually, my Ex did most of the talking. I mostly listened & observed. I don’t know if it’s because I was feeling extra sensitive myself, but I felt her sadness and remorse for the first time. She isn't the women that I once knew. The mess she created changed her. Suddenly, I just wanted to grab her, hold her in my arms, and tell her that everything was going to be OK, but the truth is that everything is not going to be OK any time soon. Plus, she scares me. I mean, even though I felt this sudden urge to comfort her, the fear I feel when I think about letting my guard down is still very strong. So, I have to wear my full metal jacket, my helmet, and anything else that knives can’t penetrate, and I pray that doing so isn't a mistake.
On and on she talked, apologizing to me, telling me how she doesn't like having me on the outside, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that it didn't matter what she said to me because she’s the one that put me on the outside, and that she’s the one who was going home to that disgusting pig when we were finished having our tea. Again, she apologized, but I’d had enough. I quickly changed the subject by asking her if she’d had anymore of those weird dreams she’d told me about a couple of months ago. Well, her eyes lit up and...
My Ex: I had this dream about baby carrots growing all over my legs. (Did she just say 'baby carrots' ?)
Me: Uh, OK. What else?
My Ex: There were also these big black moles (Ewww!), and they left big holes on my body when I peeled them off. (Gross!!!)
Me: OK…
My Ex: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: You scare me.
My Ex: Sorry. I scare me.
Me: I’m sure you do.
My Ex: JB, do you think I’m twisted? (Uh, just a little bit.)
Me: No, not all.
My Ex: In my dream book, all my dreams are about feeling guilty about the stuff I have done. I need to fix things. The past haunts me. J'étais très méchant avec toi. Je suis désolé. (translation: I was very nasty with you. I’m sorry.) I don’t deserve your friendship. I am disgusting.
Me: Are you asking me to disagree with you?
My Ex: Non, je suis dégoûté. (translation: No, I am disgusted.) I am disgusted with what I’m doing. This is why I have all these dreams. I am bad.
Yes, and I am stupid, I thought to myself. Seriously, what the h*ll was I doing? The conversation never changes. She’s still very sorry about what she did too me & I’m still subjecting myself to her ‘I’m so sorry’ speeches. It was definitely time to call it a night.
Before we headed out the door, she leaned over to hug me, and I actually felt a little nauseous. I never thought her touch could make me feel that way, but it did. As we parted, she asked if we could see each other again. I should have said no, but I heard the words “Sure, call me” come out of my mouth instead.
~ sigh ~
Clearly, I’m the masochist.
JB
Before I get to our conversation over tea, I should probably back up a bit because what led up to it actually started when my uncle passed away. She’d called to say that she was sorry for my loss, and I was really feeling out of my mind at the time, so I totally went off on her. I mean, it was a super evil tirade. If anyone ever yelled at me the kind of things that I yelled at her that day, I would have told them to go straight to h*ll, but my Ex just took it like a punching bag. She also continued to call me for the next few days, until I finally had nothing more to yell about. Either she’s a masochist, really misses me, or both. I don’t know.
Anyway, back to going out for tea… We sat & talked for quite some time. Actually, my Ex did most of the talking. I mostly listened & observed. I don’t know if it’s because I was feeling extra sensitive myself, but I felt her sadness and remorse for the first time. She isn't the women that I once knew. The mess she created changed her. Suddenly, I just wanted to grab her, hold her in my arms, and tell her that everything was going to be OK, but the truth is that everything is not going to be OK any time soon. Plus, she scares me. I mean, even though I felt this sudden urge to comfort her, the fear I feel when I think about letting my guard down is still very strong. So, I have to wear my full metal jacket, my helmet, and anything else that knives can’t penetrate, and I pray that doing so isn't a mistake.
On and on she talked, apologizing to me, telling me how she doesn't like having me on the outside, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that it didn't matter what she said to me because she’s the one that put me on the outside, and that she’s the one who was going home to that disgusting pig when we were finished having our tea. Again, she apologized, but I’d had enough. I quickly changed the subject by asking her if she’d had anymore of those weird dreams she’d told me about a couple of months ago. Well, her eyes lit up and...
My Ex: I had this dream about baby carrots growing all over my legs. (Did she just say 'baby carrots' ?)
Me: Uh, OK. What else?
My Ex: There were also these big black moles (Ewww!), and they left big holes on my body when I peeled them off. (Gross!!!)
Me: OK…
My Ex: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: You scare me.
My Ex: Sorry. I scare me.
Me: I’m sure you do.
My Ex: JB, do you think I’m twisted? (Uh, just a little bit.)
Me: No, not all.
My Ex: In my dream book, all my dreams are about feeling guilty about the stuff I have done. I need to fix things. The past haunts me. J'étais très méchant avec toi. Je suis désolé. (translation: I was very nasty with you. I’m sorry.) I don’t deserve your friendship. I am disgusting.
Me: Are you asking me to disagree with you?
My Ex: Non, je suis dégoûté. (translation: No, I am disgusted.) I am disgusted with what I’m doing. This is why I have all these dreams. I am bad.
Yes, and I am stupid, I thought to myself. Seriously, what the h*ll was I doing? The conversation never changes. She’s still very sorry about what she did too me & I’m still subjecting myself to her ‘I’m so sorry’ speeches. It was definitely time to call it a night.
Before we headed out the door, she leaned over to hug me, and I actually felt a little nauseous. I never thought her touch could make me feel that way, but it did. As we parted, she asked if we could see each other again. I should have said no, but I heard the words “Sure, call me” come out of my mouth instead.
~ sigh ~
Clearly, I’m the masochist.
JB
Friday, October 10, 2008
Here We Go Again: Another E-Mail From My Ex
Endeavor:
- to strive to achieve or reach
- to attempt (as the fulfillment of an obligation) by exertion of effort
- to work with set purpose
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/)
For those of you who don't know yet, I finally cut ties with my Ex. Although, as I said in a previous post, it seems that I wasn't clear enough when I told her that we can't be friends because she sent me yet another e-mail. I have not responded, nor will I, but I just had to blog about it because she actually tried to get to me today by sending me a quote. Meanwhile, she doesn't even understand it. Here's the e-mail:
Hi JB,
I copied (copied what ??).... Sorry. I just want you to know, i don't want to loose your friendship, (like I said before, what part of 'we can't be friends' does she not understand?) when the day comes that you you are able to talk to me, i will be here... I just don't like the way it ended... (why, because it means that you can't have your cake & eat it too?) Please say something to me, i don't want to make you angry or to bring you in a bad place, (well, you're doing a d*mn good job) i just want to know how you are doing... (none of your freakin' business) (i don't know what the word endeovor means in the thought...) (yeah, and you can't spell it either)
"A guiding operational principle in my life [is that]...if frustrated in one's endeavor by a stone wall or any kind of blockage, one must find a way around--another route toward one's goal."
— E. Margaret Burbidge
Chatte
It's a rather ironic quote coming from a person who keeps ramming her head into the 'we can't be friends' wall that I put up. Well, she can keep on ramming her head into it because I am not tearing it down.
JB
- to strive to achieve or reach
- to attempt (as the fulfillment of an obligation) by exertion of effort
- to work with set purpose
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/)
For those of you who don't know yet, I finally cut ties with my Ex. Although, as I said in a previous post, it seems that I wasn't clear enough when I told her that we can't be friends because she sent me yet another e-mail. I have not responded, nor will I, but I just had to blog about it because she actually tried to get to me today by sending me a quote. Meanwhile, she doesn't even understand it. Here's the e-mail:
Hi JB,
I copied (copied what ??).... Sorry. I just want you to know, i don't want to loose your friendship, (like I said before, what part of 'we can't be friends' does she not understand?) when the day comes that you you are able to talk to me, i will be here... I just don't like the way it ended... (why, because it means that you can't have your cake & eat it too?) Please say something to me, i don't want to make you angry or to bring you in a bad place, (well, you're doing a d*mn good job) i just want to know how you are doing... (none of your freakin' business) (i don't know what the word endeovor means in the thought...) (yeah, and you can't spell it either)
"A guiding operational principle in my life [is that]...if frustrated in one's endeavor by a stone wall or any kind of blockage, one must find a way around--another route toward one's goal."
— E. Margaret Burbidge
Chatte
It's a rather ironic quote coming from a person who keeps ramming her head into the 'we can't be friends' wall that I put up. Well, she can keep on ramming her head into it because I am not tearing it down.
JB
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tiny Ponies
As you all know from my previous posts, I talk about my Ex a lot. I mean, she makes for some good stories. In one conversation with her, I get a good 6 stories, but I can only take them in small doses. Too much at once would send me over the edge, which is just about where I was going last week (this would be before I called & said we can’t be friends, etc), when she told me about her tiny ponies. Let me explain.
We agreed to meet & have coffee. As soon as I sat myself down, she wanted to start by telling me about these dreams she keeps having. I told her to go for it & tell me. I was anticipating something crazy, and, believe me, this French biscuit does not let you down when it comes to crazy. In fact, I swear she put the “C” in crazy. Anyway, as I was saying, she started telling me about her dreams….
My Ex: Well, I was sleeping (mmm, yeah, I figured as much), and I dreamt that I was taking care of these tiny ponies.
Me: Tiny? Like those in the zoo?
My Ex: Non, non (that’s her French), JB. The rainbow coloured ones (she said in a really excited voice), like in the kids TV show. (Here we go, all aboard her crazy coco rico train of thoughts.) (Coco rico is some French thing she says. Like I said, crazy....)
She continued by telling me that the tiny ponies were sleeping beside her on her pillow, all nice & comfortable, and she was putting little ‘blankies’ (her word for blankets, not mine) over them, and tucking them in.
My Ex: (in a really high pitched voice) I put my arms around all 12.
Me: Twelve? You stopped and counted?
My Ex: Mais, oui, (i.e. but, yes) JB. I counted, and then I hugged them all, and we sleep.
Me: Have you counted how many days it been since your last pill, petite chatte (i.e. little cat... it's her nickname)? Maybe you should take one now, and share with me because I think I may need one.
My Ex: Please, JB, not funny. You know this is serious. Je ne peux pas dormir (i.e. I can’t sleep).
Then, she gave me this serious look again. Holy cow, I thought, here it comes... and it did.
My Ex: Apres (i.e. after), I was walking my sister.
Me: You were walking your sister? Is she a dog in your dream?
My Ex: Non, non. Are you making fun of me?
Me: No, not at all, chatte. I'm listening.
My Ex: My sister, she was riding a pony.
At this point, I spit out my coffee.
My Ex: Please, JB, je suis sérieux (i.e. I am serious). Apres (i.e. after), I dream that I gave birth to 2 dead twin babies, and I was taking care of them... but they were dead. Is this not strange. (Is this not strange? H*ell, yes! WTF?!)
Well, this was it for me. An hour had gone by, and I really needed to get out of there. So, I told her I was getting on my tiny pony, and taking my a** to work.
Needless to say, after that conversation, I knew it was time to cut the ties that bind, get that French biscuit back on the train to Nowhere Ville de France, and say au revoir, ma chatte, au revoir. Translation: Goodbye, my cat, goodbye. Maybe next time she’ll dream of fairies and orange bottomed monkeys.
Mon Dieu!
JB
We agreed to meet & have coffee. As soon as I sat myself down, she wanted to start by telling me about these dreams she keeps having. I told her to go for it & tell me. I was anticipating something crazy, and, believe me, this French biscuit does not let you down when it comes to crazy. In fact, I swear she put the “C” in crazy. Anyway, as I was saying, she started telling me about her dreams….
My Ex: Well, I was sleeping (mmm, yeah, I figured as much), and I dreamt that I was taking care of these tiny ponies.
Me: Tiny? Like those in the zoo?
My Ex: Non, non (that’s her French), JB. The rainbow coloured ones (she said in a really excited voice), like in the kids TV show. (Here we go, all aboard her crazy coco rico train of thoughts.) (Coco rico is some French thing she says. Like I said, crazy....)
She continued by telling me that the tiny ponies were sleeping beside her on her pillow, all nice & comfortable, and she was putting little ‘blankies’ (her word for blankets, not mine) over them, and tucking them in.
My Ex: (in a really high pitched voice) I put my arms around all 12.
Me: Twelve? You stopped and counted?
My Ex: Mais, oui, (i.e. but, yes) JB. I counted, and then I hugged them all, and we sleep.
Me: Have you counted how many days it been since your last pill, petite chatte (i.e. little cat... it's her nickname)? Maybe you should take one now, and share with me because I think I may need one.
My Ex: Please, JB, not funny. You know this is serious. Je ne peux pas dormir (i.e. I can’t sleep).
Then, she gave me this serious look again. Holy cow, I thought, here it comes... and it did.
My Ex: Apres (i.e. after), I was walking my sister.
Me: You were walking your sister? Is she a dog in your dream?
My Ex: Non, non. Are you making fun of me?
Me: No, not at all, chatte. I'm listening.
My Ex: My sister, she was riding a pony.
At this point, I spit out my coffee.
My Ex: Please, JB, je suis sérieux (i.e. I am serious). Apres (i.e. after), I dream that I gave birth to 2 dead twin babies, and I was taking care of them... but they were dead. Is this not strange. (Is this not strange? H*ell, yes! WTF?!)
Well, this was it for me. An hour had gone by, and I really needed to get out of there. So, I told her I was getting on my tiny pony, and taking my a** to work.
Needless to say, after that conversation, I knew it was time to cut the ties that bind, get that French biscuit back on the train to Nowhere Ville de France, and say au revoir, ma chatte, au revoir. Translation: Goodbye, my cat, goodbye. Maybe next time she’ll dream of fairies and orange bottomed monkeys.
Mon Dieu!
JB
Monday, September 29, 2008
What Part Of 'We Can't Be Friends' Did She Not Understand?
I decided to go to bed early last night to try & get some quality ZZZZ's, and (miracle of miracles) I actually got up this morning feeling well rested. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I don't sleep much, so getting some decent sleep is a big deal for me. Anyway, I started my day the usual way, fed my cats, made some tea, then sat down at the computer to check e-mails & do some blogging. Speaking of which, if you haven't already read my last post, I finally cut ties with my Ex, but it seems that I wasn't clear enough when I told her that we can't be friends because there was an e-mail from her in my inbox this morning. Apparently, she's going to give me some time. Umm, WTF?? What part of 'we can't be friends' did she not understand? I told her how it's going to be from now on, and she goes and tells me that she's going to give me some time, like I'm the one that needs to come around. This is not about me needing some time, it's about her getting her life together and leaving me alone. Meanwhile, she's acting like she's doing me a favour. What the h*ll is up with that French biscuit?
Am I over reacting? I mean, how about her fixing her life, so that maybe she can start apologizing to all her friends and my family. Wouldn't this be a good place to start? Please, can anyone give me some input on this French creature I call le chat qui a mangé mon coeur (translation: the cat who ate my heart), and who I think is a few sandwiches short of a picnic? (Boy, that doesn't say much about me does it?!)
JB
Friday, September 26, 2008
For The Sake Of My Mental Health: It's Over!
It’s over, finally. I did what I have been avoiding for a long time. I cut ties with my Ex. It was time. As much as I wanted to be friends, it was never going to happen. As long as HWSNBN is in the picture, being friends won't work, not now, not ever. I mean, really, how can two people be friends when the thing that destroyed them is there as a constant reminder of the hurt, lies, betrayal, hate, and all the rest of it?
So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.
I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.
JB
So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.
I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.
JB
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Letter That Was Never Sent
I found this letter that I wrote to my Ex tucked nicely into a pocket in the back of a leather bound journal that I got as a Christmas gift from a good friend a few years ago. I wrote the letter on some really nice paper and sprayed it with perfume. I can still smell it. I never mailed the letter, and I know why I couldn't do it. As I read it over, I cried because it reminded me of the night I wrote it. My Ex had told me that she didn't love me anymore, but I still loved her. Reading that letter, I could feel how much I missed her, how much I loved her, and I couldn't deny it.
Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.
JB
======================================================
My Beloved,
I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.
My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.
All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.
Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.
My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.
My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.
This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.
Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.
Love Always,
JB
Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.
JB
======================================================
My Beloved,
I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.
My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.
All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.
Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.
My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.
My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.
This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.
Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.
Love Always,
JB
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Testimony: A Follow Up
It's been about a week now since I received the "testimony" e-mail from HWSNBN, and I still have indigestion from trying to stomach his bullsh*t. In light of a recent conversation I had with my Ex, it's pretty obvious to me that HWSNBN didn't send me his “testimony” because he feels remorseful. Rather, it's a way for him to use me for his own selfish reasons again. In a nutshell, it looks like HWSNBN is about to experience the same kind of train wreck my life turned into when my Ex decided she wanted to experience a man (but all she got was a boy). You see, HWSNBN has fallen head over heels in love with my Ex, but she hasn't fallen head over heels for him. Turns out she finally realized that he's not me, and she can't love him like she loved (or still loves) me. What we gave each other, he can only dream of having with her.
Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.
This is my testimony.
JB
Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.
This is my testimony.
JB
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Music Soundtrack In My Head: A Conversation With My Ex
I wanted to post this yesterday, but I was really drained from spending the day with my Ex. She wanted to talk, so we met on Sunday for some drinks.
She was her usual self, kind of bubbly, and not so much in her head. Actually, she was a little strange. I think I made her feel uncomfortable. It's like we were out on our first date again. Anyway, the conversation began with small talk. Then, after we had a little more to drink, she started talking about how bad she felt about what she'd done to me. She confessed how she didn't want things to be the way they are. She was sad and remorseful, and sounded like she was confessing her sins in church. I listened to her, but she sounded so out of touch with herself. Finally, I asked her what the h*ll she was talking about because she wasn't making any sense. The conversation went something like this…
Me: I know you feel bad, but you continued to lie to me for over 2 years. Why, all of a sudden, a change of heart?
My Ex: Because I know what I have lost. Things are not the same without you. My life doesn't work without you. (Really, now you freakin' see it?) It's not the same. I don't know what I have done? I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.
(Ok, I better have another drink, I thought to myself.)
My Ex: I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to think that I'm crazy.
Me: OK.
My Ex: Well, I am a bad person, and I don't deserve you to even be sitting here with me, but the whole time that I lied and did all that bad stuff, there was a music soundtrack that kept going off in my head.
(I looked at her with utter dismay, thinking holy freakin' crap.)
Me: What did you say, a soundtrack?
My Ex: Yeah, one song in particular by Celine Dion called "Je Danse Dans Ma Tete" + some random Radiohead songs.
Me: Oh, I see. So, you are trying to tell me the voices, sorry, the songs, in your head made you perpetuate this freakin' disaster and mockery that you made of our love and my life? The music made you do it?
My Ex: Please, don't laugh. (How could I not laugh? This was the most insane thing I'd ever heard.)
Me: Hold on, let's get another drink.
So, as we drank, and she continued to explain herself & profess how much she cared and loved me, I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it all sounded. Our relationship came to an end because Celine Dion and Radiohead made her do it?
JB
She was her usual self, kind of bubbly, and not so much in her head. Actually, she was a little strange. I think I made her feel uncomfortable. It's like we were out on our first date again. Anyway, the conversation began with small talk. Then, after we had a little more to drink, she started talking about how bad she felt about what she'd done to me. She confessed how she didn't want things to be the way they are. She was sad and remorseful, and sounded like she was confessing her sins in church. I listened to her, but she sounded so out of touch with herself. Finally, I asked her what the h*ll she was talking about because she wasn't making any sense. The conversation went something like this…
Me: I know you feel bad, but you continued to lie to me for over 2 years. Why, all of a sudden, a change of heart?
My Ex: Because I know what I have lost. Things are not the same without you. My life doesn't work without you. (Really, now you freakin' see it?) It's not the same. I don't know what I have done? I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.
(Ok, I better have another drink, I thought to myself.)
My Ex: I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to think that I'm crazy.
Me: OK.
My Ex: Well, I am a bad person, and I don't deserve you to even be sitting here with me, but the whole time that I lied and did all that bad stuff, there was a music soundtrack that kept going off in my head.
(I looked at her with utter dismay, thinking holy freakin' crap.)
Me: What did you say, a soundtrack?
My Ex: Yeah, one song in particular by Celine Dion called "Je Danse Dans Ma Tete" + some random Radiohead songs.
Me: Oh, I see. So, you are trying to tell me the voices, sorry, the songs, in your head made you perpetuate this freakin' disaster and mockery that you made of our love and my life? The music made you do it?
My Ex: Please, don't laugh. (How could I not laugh? This was the most insane thing I'd ever heard.)
Me: Hold on, let's get another drink.
So, as we drank, and she continued to explain herself & profess how much she cared and loved me, I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it all sounded. Our relationship came to an end because Celine Dion and Radiohead made her do it?
JB
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Breakfast With Bitter
I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Thursday, August 28, 2008
HWSNBN: Burn, Baby, Burn!
It's night and I can’t sleep (big surprise), so I thought that maybe it would be a good time to clean house, shall we say. I opened a cold Corona beer, made a cup of herbal tea (yeah, beer and tea... I like to mix it up at night), pulled my photo albums off the shelf, and started to rip out every single picture of my Ex and HWSNBN, posing together. I can’t rip pictures of my Ex, but of no problem. I have three albums to go through, but their will probably be only two left by the time I'm done. I wish I could just burn HWSNBN & the pictures, but my roommate is sleeping, and starting fire probably wouldn't be a good idea.
It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.
Time for another cold one.
JB
It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.
Time for another cold one.
JB
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Love Conquers All
I really believe that love conquers all. I’m sure a lot of people think that's a little naive, but this is what I believe. The love that was and is still present after all that I've been through, the love that I thought I could hold on to forever, is holding on by itself. This is not to say that I have forgiven my Ex and HWSNBN for what they did to me, but I am now able to forgive myself for carrying all the hate and anger around. It was really weighing me down. As for forgiving them, it will be a long, hard road before I get to that point. Trust me when I say that I won't make it easy, nor should I. HWSNBN can wait forever because forgiving him ain't going to happen anytime soon, if at all in this life time.
Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."
I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.
Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.
JB
Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."
I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.
Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.
JB
Sunday, August 24, 2008
From Best Friend To Ex Friend (aka, HWSNBN)
As I have already posted in previous blogs, my Ex & once-upon-a-time best friend (who I now refer to as HWSNBN, which is short for 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' --- all you Harry Potter fans know where I'm coming from), slept together behind my back, and neither of them had the guts to tell me, until my Ex supposedly came clean about the whole thing. I say supposedly came clean because they actually continued to perpetuate the lie for another six months. The full story only just unfolded this past week. Anyway...
HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.
I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.
HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.
HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.
JB
HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.
I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.
HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.
HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.
JB
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Cotton Candy, Candy Apples, and Meow Meow
So, the Ex and I may have put some of our differences aside for the time being. I don't know if this will work out in any way, shape, or form, but I finally got an "I'm really sorry for all the bad things I have done to you over the last three years... I can't believe I treated you so badly, and I'm so, so sorry" from her. Better late than never, I guess. Or, maybe it's only because she has something else planned for me??? Being the skeptic that I am, I will continue to wear my full metal jacket (not the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket, good movie, by the way) just for sh*ts and giggles because six months ago (when I thought she was being nice) she only took the knife out of my back to turn around and plunge it into my chest. Talk about getting my signals crossed.
Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.
I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.
JB
Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.
I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.
JB
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
*67 This, Biatch!
It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and it's my fourth night of no sleep. I'm feeling a little mad and jittery. I got a real hate-on for the Ex-girlfriend and the ex-friend. Ex-girlfriend lives with ex-friend. Yeah, she fell on his penis by accident & they both forgot to tell me about it until a year and half later.
Anyway.... I took it upon myself to*67 their asses six times. That's right, *67. If I can't sleep, why should they get to be deep in slumberland while I contemplate how freakin' tried I am of their bullsh*t? Sleep deprivation does crazy things to the mind. I was dialing the number wondering what I would say if she or he answered, but then it dawned on me that he's a freaking stoner & couldn't wake up if you dropped a bong on him, especially at that hour. Meanwhile, she wouldn't go down a flight of stairs to answer a phone if there wasn't a gift waiting for her at the end of them. So, I dialed and redialed.... No one answered, but I felt really good because there was still the hope that I at least woke her up.
I never would have thought of myself as *67 kinda girl, but I liked it a lot. I thought, why not? It's there to use, right? Someone must have come up with *67 when they had a hate-on for their ex, so why not use it for the purpose that it was invented for? Thank-you, *67, for finally helping me get some sleep.
JB
Anyway.... I took it upon myself to*67 their asses six times. That's right, *67. If I can't sleep, why should they get to be deep in slumberland while I contemplate how freakin' tried I am of their bullsh*t? Sleep deprivation does crazy things to the mind. I was dialing the number wondering what I would say if she or he answered, but then it dawned on me that he's a freaking stoner & couldn't wake up if you dropped a bong on him, especially at that hour. Meanwhile, she wouldn't go down a flight of stairs to answer a phone if there wasn't a gift waiting for her at the end of them. So, I dialed and redialed.... No one answered, but I felt really good because there was still the hope that I at least woke her up.
I never would have thought of myself as *67 kinda girl, but I liked it a lot. I thought, why not? It's there to use, right? Someone must have come up with *67 when they had a hate-on for their ex, so why not use it for the purpose that it was invented for? Thank-you, *67, for finally helping me get some sleep.
JB
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