Thursday, September 27, 2012

Shitty McShitty

Like many of you out there, I start my mornings off with a coffee. Well, not today. Instead, it started with a loud knock at my door. Seeing as it was still early, I knew it could only be one person.

Mother: JB, hey, open da door, please! 

Me: (seriously, what is she doing here at this hour?) Ma, stop yelling. I’m coming.

Mother: Hurry up!! 

Me: (opening the door) What? What’s wrong?

Mother: (barging past me) My stomach hurt. I be up all night. I can’t go. I’m constipate. Oh my God, the pain! 

Me: (yeah, and what about my pain?) You mean constipated, not constipate.

Mother: (nothing, just her evil glare)

Me: (closing the door) Ma, it’s 8:30 in the morning and I haven’t even had my coffee. What do you want me to do, give you an enema?

Mother: (yelling) No, make fun of me, JB! I can’t go and I’m in pain!! 

Me: Well, I have some Metamucil. You can take that.

Mother: (angry) No, that no working! I need go buy my medicine! 

Me: (annoyed) For the love of God, okay, Shitty McShitty!! I will take you to buy your medicine, but can I pleeeeeease make myself a coffee first?

Mother: (practically poking my right eye out with her finger) Why you have to swear at me? 

Me: (oh, f**k me…) Because it is 8:30am, I just woke up and you want me to take you to buy laxatives -- that’s why!

Mother: (still pointing her finger) You don’t go mad at me! I need my medicine, okay? 

Me: (omg, kill me now) Yes, okay, Ma. I will take you to the pharmacy, but first I need a coffee and a couple Advil.

Mother: You get dress. I make you cahfee, so you go fast. 

Whatever you say, Shitty McShitty.



  1. ROFLMAO!!! I feel for you, but that is hysterical. Let's hope the laxatives start to her house.

  2. I think I would have strangled my mother or stuffed the Metamucil down her throat. Hope the coffee and Advil helped.

  3. @Travel having my mother living across the street from me seemed like a good idea until this.


  4. @Catherine I needed something a little stronger than Advils and coffee. Thanks for stopping in.



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