Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Customer of the Week: Fake Tan Lady

The other day I looked up from the desserts I was working on to see a reddish-orange looking woman making her way to the bakery. When she got to the counter it was clear that she went a little overboard with a self tanning product. Yikes!! If the fake tan wasn't bad enough, she had a young child with her who thought our display case made for a really great drum. The kid would not stop banging his little hands on the glass while his mother browsed the cakes featured inside. You think that she would tell the child to stop because, oh, I don't know, banging on glass is dangerous. Nope, she just let the kid pound away. Since I was busy, Drey (my co-worker) went over to see what the woman wanted & to get the child to stop fooling around.

Drey: Hi, Mam. Could you please stop your child from banging on the glass.

FTL: (ignoring Drey's request) I want a birthday cake with "Happy Birthday, John" written on it.

Drey: Sure, but please stop your child from banging on the glass. It's dangerous.

FTL: (finally pulling her child aside) I want a chocolate cake.

Drey: OK, which one?

FTL: That one on the left.

Drey pulled out a round chocolate cake and made her way over to the table where I was working. She started writing on the cake, got to the "J" in John, when...

FTL: Stop! I changed my mind. I want a white one.

Me: (WTF???? Yell a little louder, lady.)

Drey: Mam, I already started writing on it. I just have to finish the name.

FTL: But I want white one.

Me: (my cue to say something) Mam, you watched her write on the cake. Why didn't you stop her before she started?

FTL: Just scrape off the writing and put it back in the display case.

Me: (gee, thanks for telling me how to do my job) Mam, we can't do that.

FTL: Well, I want a white one.

Me: (and I'd like to smack you silly) Are you sure?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (turning to speak to Drey) Go ahead and get a white one.

Drey comes back to the table with a round white cake and starts writing. Again, she got to the "J" in John, and...

FTL: Stop!

Me: (is she f**king serious?) Mam??

FTL: I want the chocolate one.

Me: (OMG, what the hell is her problem??) Mam...

FTL: You know, I'll take them both.

Me: (both? huh?) Are you sure, Mam?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (right, like the last time) Are you really sure?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (nothing, just a quick nod at Drey who was waiting for my go ahead)

FTL: Hey, can u give my kid a cookie?

Me: (she did not just ask me that) No, we can't.

FTL: Why not?

Me: (leaving the desserts I was working on & making my way over to the counter to strangle her with my bare hands... well, at least I wanted to) Mam, I can't open a package of cookies just to give one to your child.

FTL: (rudely) Why not?

Me: (I'm so going to kill this biatch) Because it's against protocol.

FTL: (taunting me like a naughty child) Oh, yeah?

Me: (why do I have a bad feeling about this) Yes.

The woman didn't even answer me back. She just turned around, picked up a package of cookies on the table behind her, opened it up and handed her kid two chocolate chip cookies.

Me: (nothing, just an "OMG, did you f-ing see that?" look over at Drey as she was boxing up the two cakes)

FTL: (plopping down the open package of cookies in front of me) There you go. Just say I dropped the package and it broke open.

Me: (nothing, just trying to calm the h*ll down)

Drey: (approaching the counter with the cakes) Here you are, Mam.

FTL: (all smiles, like nothing happened) I guess I'll be eating two cakes tonight.

Yeah, and I hope you frickin' choke, you fake tanned fiend!

JB

35 comments:

  1. My God hun... are there normal, regular people where you work?

    Nevermind that question... orelse we wouldn't laugh this hard...

    Love you,
    ***

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  2. Wow! 'Just say the package fell open"? She must have been insane :)

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  3. omg, you're so patient. I would have thrown one of the damn cakes in her faked tanned face!

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  4. What a bitch. rude obnoxious mother effer.. I have high blood pressure reading it. You are a nicer a woman than I.. God bless you!

    ~Pavla
    www.thedramaticcomedyofmylife.blogspot.com

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  5. omg!you could write a book with these stories, you know...

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  6. You have the patience of a saint JB I'd of pushed her face into the chocolate cake and told her where to go, lol, and probably swore like 50 times while doing it.

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  7. Hello friend,
    I know your nice and interesting blog from Blog Catalog.
    I have followed your blog on Google Friend Connect. Please visit and followed my blog too.

    multibrand.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Perhaps the chemicals from the fake tan affected her brain? You do have patience..Would have hated to run across that lady.

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  9. Izzie...I know some days are more special then others. Thanks for the stop by and I hope your doing well love.

    huggs
    jb

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  10. Pooja...sometimes I wonder what people think about before they leave home to go shopping....

    huggs
    jb

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  11. Pictures...not only did I find her completely insane she was orange in color which made her look crazy!!!1

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  12. Lin....OMG for sure. Hope all is well with you and thanks for the stop by.

    huggs
    jb

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  13. Pavla...Thanks for the shout out and I know she must have been off her rocker.

    huggs
    jb

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  14. Shadow...i know I could but man this is nothing everyday we get this. In an 9 hour day i come home with at least 3 stories so yeah a book or maybe 2 books. Hope all is well with you and hope you had a great summer.

    huggs
    jb

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  15. Andrew...trust me I wanted to throw the cake at her and her orange face. Thanks for stopping in and trust me it takes alot not to fly right off the handle some days.

    huggs
    jb

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  16. Hello Nizam...thank you for following and yes i shall drop by to visit you.

    huggs
    jb

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  17. Greg...I think that she had more issues then the fake tan and no idea what the f**k she wanted from me. Thanks for the stop by.

    huggs
    jb

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  18. What a piece of work she was! I can't believe she did that. What a freak. Some people's parents, I tell ya.

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  19. Raven....She was a f**king idiot of massive proportions and I still hate her right now!!!!

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  20. How you've worked there for so long without having at LEAST a handful of first degree murder charges on your sweet sugary hands I'll never know...

    Anna
    xx

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  21. ANNA.....I miss you love. How's it going? I should have charges against me sooner or later. I also don't know how i still work there.

    huggs
    jbxox

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  22. The BA.....I hate all my customers. Sometimes I just want to throw cakes at all of them.

    huggs
    jb

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  23. Wow, that is a AWESOME Post. I was reading a post on www.FranklinCruz.com and this guy is powerful. they call him the Real Estate Drill Sergeant. I know kind of weird, but he is a real Iraqi War Vet and a Successful Real Estate Investor/ Entrepreneur. Anyway, I just want to tell you guys about a straight up Expert not NO SCAM ARTIST GURU. Again, check it out for yourself www.reDrillSergeant.com.

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  24. Caleb....thanks for the info and thanks for stopping in.

    Take Care
    jb

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  25. OMG! How did you not bitch slap that woman??

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  26. that cracks me up ... mind you, the cookie was nice :-)

    I love nut jobs like that, barking mad!

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  27. Oh wow, that is SAD.

    I love the expressions, I can almost see it play out, hahaha.

    I feel like it's been forever since I've been in blogworld - I was one of your regulars back in the day, glad to see you're still writing.

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  28. This is bloody briliant! Why didn't I find your blog sooner!? I love it! Sorry about FTL though...thats....wow.

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  29. What ever happened to the "please" and "thank you"???!!

    I must say, you had me cracking up like crazy!!! How DO you get all the lucky people in the world? :D

    haha

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  30. If I owned/managed the place I would tell that crazy lady to get the hell out.

    Well written.

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  31. chrissy.... I wanted to take a piece out of her and then kill her.

    Glen...I don't like nut of any kind but her I wanted to shove nuts down her throat.

    Pink...yup its been a while and this nut job just about pushed towards your part of the world. Nice to have you back ...don't be a stranger.

    Sophia...I don't know but I seem to attract them. Must be my muffins....lol

    CookingA....Believe me you it's want i want to do all the time. Thanks for stopping in and enjoying my stories.

    Corey....Welcome to the wacky world that is my life. Thanks for joining my blog.

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  32. OMG! I would have charged her for the cookies too. I am surprised you didn't kick her a** out of the store. Some people's parents!

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  33. Why didn't you just automatically charge her for the cookies? She opened them in the store - she's responsible to pay for them.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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