Customer of the Week: Cross Dressing Santa

The other day, I was busy flat icing cakes, completely bored out of my freakin' mind, when Christmas came early… sort of. I was by myself at the time, so I had to keep one eye on what I was doing, and the other looking out for customers in need of assistance. At one point, I glanced up, and coming towards the counter was an elderly gentleman who looked a lot like Santa, at least from the neck up. From the neck down, he was wearing a white, billowy button down shirt with a black bra underneath (I kid you not, people, I could see the straps on his shoulders because the top buttons on his shirt were undone) & a full length floral skirt. He was also carrying a cloth purse. Holy sh*t, it's not just Santa, but cross dressing Santa, I thought to myself. And, if that wasn't weird enough, when he reached the counter, he called out 'hello' to me in a voice that sounded a lot like Alvin from Alvin in the Chipmunks. It took all I had too keep a straight face as I made my way over to see what he wanted.

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

CDS: I'm looking for the gluten free bread that you had on that table (points over his shoulder) last week.

Me: Gluten free… we had that???

CDS: (excitedly) Oh, yes, it's my fave!

Me: (did he just say, 'fave'?) Oh…

CDS: It has the name of a man and woman on it.

Me: (racking my brain) Hmm…

CDS: Are you new here?

Me: Yes

CDS: (twirling his hair and batting his lashes) You have a lovely smile.

Me: (OMG, is he flirting with me?) Oh… thanks.

CDS: Do you like making cakes?

Me: Not really. It's kind of boring and it hurts my arm a lot.

CDS: (giggly) But it looks like so much fun!

Me: (nothing, just a vision of CDS decorating cakes in his white shirt and floral skirt flashing through my mind)

CDS: So, do you have any of that bread left?

Me: Let me call the girl who works with me and see if she knows what you're looking for.

CDS: Sure, OK.

I quickly paged Power Ranger to come save me from CDS, and I wish I'd had a camera to capture the look on her face when she showed up because it was positively priceless. I'm talking Master Card commercial worthy priceless.

Pwr Rngr: (looking at me totally wide-eyed, as if to say, WTF??) Hi… what's up?

Me: (doing my best not to laugh) This gentleman is looking for gluten free bread with a man and woman's name on the bag.

Pwr Rngr: Um, yeah, it's been moved to aisle one, the commercial bread aisle.

CDS: (super happy) Ooo, thanks for your help. You're both lovely!

Off he went in search of his gluten free bread, his skirt & shirt flowing out behind him like he was floating away on a cloud.

Pwr Rngr: Holy crap, was he wearing a bra?

Me: H*ll yeah, and I think his boobs where bigger then mine!

Pwr Rngr: OMG, that was weird.

Me: No weirder then the stripper with her pimp.

Pwr Rngr: Oh, yeah. I forget about those two.

Me: Yeah, and what about the lady with the goatee that scared the sh*t out of Superstar a couple of days ago?

Pwr Rngr: Hahahaha!!

Yup, folks, we get all kinds.

JB

Letters To My Bakery Customers

Well, folks, it's that time again. I'm feeling the need to vent, so here's my first set of Letters To My Bakery Customers.

Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy,

What's your deal? No, seriously, wtf is wrong with you? On the blog post that I wrote about you, one of my fellow bloggers pointed out that there might be a medically documented reason your idiocy, but I don't agree. I think you're just a wack job who enjoys being a pain in my a** every freakin' week. Well, let me tell you something, pal, cookies may crumble, but you will not break me. In other words, there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to give in to your insanity and ignore store policy just so you can have your 'oatmeal raisin cookies only' fix. Nope, I might be really tired of decorating cakes all f**king day, but you will not be the reason I lose my job. Go find yourself a store that actually sells what you want, or I'm going to beat you senseless with a baguette, drag you over to my side of the bakery counter, and then put you in the oven to bake like your precious oatmeal raisin cookies!

Peace,
JB

Dear Carrot Muffin Lady,

I don't suppose Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy is your husband? If not, you two should get hitched and move to a land far, far away. I'm thinking Never Land. You know, where Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and the Lost Boys live? Yeah, that would be the perfect place since you guys are never going to grow up. Seriously, you two are like spoiled brats who can't get their way. Well, like I told ORCG, I won't go against store policy just so you can have what you want, when you want it. We bake carrot muffins when we bake them, and that's that. It's not my fault that you always come in when there aren't any left. If you're that desperate to have some, come in every single day for a week, and you just might get lucky. Or, you could just get the h*ll over it because, if you don't, I'm going to stab you with the sharpest carrot I can find. Capice?

Peace,
JB

Dear Bread Biatch,

Have you ever heard of a word called 'please'? Have you, you botox binging freak? I mean, do you seriously think that shoving bread at me and rudely asking me to "slice it" is the way to go? Well, let me tell you something, you frozen face fiend, if you plan to come back to my counter, I suggest you sign up for lessons with Miss Manners first. Otherwise, the next time you ram a bread bag in my face, I'll ram it right back at you and take your freakin' eye out!

Peace,
JB
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For more letters, check out:

Letters To My Customers

Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Letters To My Deli Customers

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2