Last weekend, a bunch of us gathered at my mom's place for Easter dinner. We ate, had some wine, talked, laughed, ate some more. Yup, a great time was had by one & all. What wasn't so great, however, was having to deal with the two nutcases who showed up at my counter in the few days leading up to that lovely Sunday evening. For today's post, I'm going tell you about one of those two crazies, a guy who wanted half a cake.
Me: Good day, sir. How can I help you?
HCG: I want a cake.
Me: OK, what kind of cake?
HCG: A cake.
Me: (and the insanity begins) Yes, but what kind, sir?
HCG: Just a cake to eat.
Me: (as opposed to one you could what, wear?) Sir, we have many different cakes. What kind would you like?
HCG: A cake... something not too sweet, not chocolate, but chocolate on the inside, and not big, but small, but not too small.
Me: (WTF?????????) Um, well, we have 8 inch cakes. Is that a good size for you?
HCG: I just want a half cake.
Me: (why the f**k didn't you say so in the first place??) Sure, we have those. They're actually right there in front of you.
Me: (crazy & blind... fabulous) Sir, just look down in front of you.
HCG: Yeah, I don't want these cakes.
Me: (die, sh*thead) Those are the only half cakes that we have, sir.
HCG: Well, I want (grabbing one of the prepackaged cheesecakes sitting out on the front table & slamming it down on the counter between us) this one.
Me: (OMG, are you f**king kidding me, a**hole??????) Sir, you just ruined a perfectly good cake!
HGC: I want this cake, but only half.
Me: (uh, let me see... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) Sir, I can't do that.
HCG: This is what I want.
Me: (calm, JB, calm, calm, calm...) No, sir, I can't do that.
HCG: OK, get your manager.
Me: (it would be my pleasure, jacka**) I'll be right back.
My manager was on his break at the time, so I had to page him. When I saw him making his way over to the bakery, I went to meet up with him so that I could quickly relay the story before he actually got to the counter. After I told my manager what happened, he didn't even say anything to me. He just put on his "you don't want to mess with me" face, walked right up to HCG, and said...
HCG: No, what?
Manager: No, we will not cut this cake in half for you. You broke it, you pay for it.
HCG: But I can't eat a whole cake.
Manager: (ignoring HCG) JB, pack this cake back up the best you can & tape the container shut.
JB: Sure thing.
HCG: I only want half a cake.
Manager: Sir, you purposely destroyed that cake, and you are going to pay for it... all of it. I'm going to walk you to the front cash myself.
JB: (handing the repackaged cake to HCG) Here you go.
Manager: Let's go, sir.
Yeah, and have yourself a Happy Easter, sucker!!