Customer of the Week: Baguette Squeezing Lady

Do you guys remember Touchy Tart Lady?

Well, some woman came by the other day who could give TTL a run for her money. At first, I had no idea this woman was even there because I was busy concentrating on the cake I was decorating, but OWC (i.e. Older Woman Co-worker) spotted her and was quick to bring her to my attention.


OWC: (tugging like crazy on my uniform) JB! JB!

Me: (trying to shrug her off) What?! Would you stop pulling at me!

OWC: (still tugging at my uniform) Look at that woman over there!!

Me: (with what, the eyes in the back of my head?) OK, but please let go of me so I can turn around to see what you're talking about.

OL: (letting me go) LOOK AT HER!!!

Me: (a little direction would help) Where is she?

OWC: (pointing) There, at the bread wall.

Me: (turning my head to look) OMG, is squeezing the baguettes?!

OWC: Yes!! I’m going to yell at her.

Me: (grabbing her arm) No, calm down. You can’t just walk over there and start yelling at her.

OWC: But look at what she is doing to them!!

Me: (releasing her arm) I know, but yelling plus fingering pointing equals a trip to the office and a write up.

OWC: Well, I can’t just stand here and watch her ruin all the baguettes.

Then, before I could grab her arm again, OWC took off like a jackrabbit with its hind legs blazing. Naturally, that was my cue to go after her before she started in on Baguette Squeezing Lady and caused a big scene. OWC might be older than the rest of us, but when she sees someone doing something wrong she kind of loses it.

OWC: (making her way to BSL seconds before me) Mam, what on earth are you doing?

Me: (arriving just in time to interject) Hello, Mam. Can I hel...

OWC: (cutting me off) It's OK, JB, I can handle this.

Me: (that's what you think) OWC, can you please go back to watch the counter while I help this woman.

BSL: (looking at both of us, totally confused) Oh, no, I'm fine. I don't need any help.

OWC: Why are you squeezing all of the baguettes?

Me: (turning towards OWC, eyebrows raised) OWC, I really need you to go back to the cake counter, please.

OWC: (turning on her heel and walking away) Humph!

Me: (looking back at BSL) Sorry about that Mam, but you have been standing here for the past few minutes touching ever single baguette that we have, so that is why we came over her to see if you need help.

BSL: (acting like she wasn't doing anything wrong) So?

Me: (uh, seriously?) Mam, you have crushed the ends of almost all of them. How are we supposed to sell these now?

BSL: (getting worked up) Well, I’m a customer and I can squeeze however many I want until I find one I like!

Me: (what a frickin' nut job!) Mam, if you touch another baguette, I will be forced to call management.

BSL: (reaching for another baguette, with a smug look on her face) Is that so?

Me: (die!!!!) Mam...

BSL: (nothing, just squeezing the baguette she just grabbed)

Clearly, I wasn't going to get any where with BSL, so I made my way back to the cake counter where OWC was looking at me with eyes on the verge of falling right out of her head.

Me: Can you call the director, please? (if anyone could put BSL in her place, it was going to be him)

OWC: (nothing, just a mad dash for the phone)

A few minutes later I see the Director coming towards me, so I start walking back over to BSL (who's still squeezing baguettes) to meet up with him there.

Director: (approaching me and BSL) Is something wrong?

Me: Sir, this women insists she is within her rights to squeeze the baguettes until she finds one she likes.

Director: (looking BSL square in the eyes) Madame, do you intend to buy a baguette today?

BSL: (tilting her head to one side) Maybe?

Director: Well, Madame, in my store, if you touch it, you buy it. So, I suggest you take one now and be on your way, or find a store that will actually let you feel up all the baguettes you want.

Me: (OMG, did he just say that??!! "feel up"??!!)

BSL: (nothing, just glaring at the Director)

Director: (glaring right back at BSL) Are we clear, Madame, or shall I place all of the damaged baguettes in your cart and take you to the closest register to pay for them?

BSL: (hands on hips) I am a customer!!!

Director: (mimicking, i.e. hands on hips) My store, my rules, Madame.

BSL: (spinning her cart around to leave) I will never shop here again!!

Director: (relaxing his stance & smiling) Excellent! Good day, Madame.

BSL: (nothing, just furiously pushing her cart away from us)

Yes, good day, indeed, you baguette squeezing biatch!!

- JB

Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 3

I was looking through some of my older posts and I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I wrote Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 2. With the number of wackadoodles that show up at my counter, how can that be? Well, today I'm going to share a few letters that I've had in mind since last month. I was too busy to write them over the holidays, but I'm good to go now. :)

Dear Snowman Cake Guy,

Did you slip on a patch of ice and bump your head since we last saw you? Let me remind you then that the Snowman cake we made for you was based on the one that you saw in our display case. You said, "I want a Snowman cake that looks exactly like that one," and you pointed right at it, poking at the glass with your stubby index finger. Well, we made you a Snowman cake that looks "exactly" like the one that you saw, so what's this bullsh*t about the colours being "all wrong" and the snowman "too fat"? Seriously, dude, a snowman that's "too fat"? WTF? Go get your eyes checked and your head examined, and then buy or rent a copy of Frosty the Snowman on DVD so you can watch it and see what a snowman is supposed to look like, duma**!

Peace,
JB

Dear Date Squares Lady,

I think that you might also need to have your head examined because you can't seem to get it through your thick skull that we do not have, or have ever had, date squares for sale in our store. Seriously, how many bloody times must one of us personally escort you to the table out front to prove to you that there are no packages of date squares? I mean, for the love of God, it's like f-ing Groundhog Day every time you show up!! No wonder my employees run and hide when they see you coming. Unfortunately, I must lead by example, so I can't do the same, even though I want to, believe me. So, in case I'm not making myself clear, we don't give a rats a** if you supposedly saw date squares on that table before. Either go find yourself a bakery that gives a crap, or buy yourself some dates and make your own damn squares!

Peace,
JB

Dear Hot Bread Lady,

Guess what? You made my list of Stupid Customer Questions. Yup, that's right, I said STUPID!! I tried to be nice and explain that the only way you're going to get hot bread is if you are here when we pull it out of the oven, but you just don't get it, do you? Want to know why? BECAUSE YOUR STUPID!!!!! You're stupid and I am done with you --- done, done done!! I'm so done, I want to come to your house while you're sleeping and stab you with hot bread. Of course, any intelligent person would know that the bread would no longer be hot by the time I got there. You're probably sighing with relief right now, but that's only because you haven't realized that I can always heat the bread back up in your oven and then stab you with it. I bet you didn't think of that now did you, STUPID??!!

Peace,
JB