Guess what?
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR F**KING NIGHTS!!!! FOUR F**KING NIGHTS, PEOPLE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
There is a woodpecker that's been pecking away at the drainpipe that runs along the side of my house just outside my bedroom window. F**K!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy, not happy at all, and I hate that damn bird with all of my f**king might right now. My roommate thinks it's funny because he can't hear a damn thing from his room. Nope, only I've had to listen to that freakin' bird beating it's f**cking love drum (explained below, just stay with me) at 4:30am. As if I want to get up at the crack of piss-crow with the little pecker. STOP IT!!!!!!
Anyway, this morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how to kill the damn bird, my roommate came to tell me that he figured out why it's been pecking away (at my sanity).
Roomie: (knocking on my bedroom door)
Me: Yeah, come in.
Roomie: (entering) Hey, so, the woodpecker is still with us.
Me: No shit, Sherlock. I can hear the little bastard.
Roomie: Oh, yeah, he's right by your window. I can’t hear him, sorry.
Me: Sorry, my a**. What the h*ll do you want, really?
Roomie: I know why he's doing it. I Googled it.
Me: (if looks could kill, the guy would be dead, the smarta** little sh*t) Please, do tell, since you're sleeping so well.
Roomie: He's looking for a mate.
Me: So, what, am I supposed to care about his lack of lovers? Get the h*ll out of here.
Roomie: He's mating. It's cute, don’t you think?
Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! You insane idiot!!!!! Tomorrow morning, I'm going to open my window & start throwing all the knives from my $1000 knife set at that bird until I hit him dead on his bird face!! Do you hear me??
Roomie: You can't do that. Birds are protected animals. JB, you need to calm down.
Me: Protected??? Calm down???
Roomie: You can't just start throwing knives out the window. What about the neighbors?
Me: The neighbors?? What about my sleep, health, sanity, you freakin' moron!! Screw them! Think of yourself, or I’ll throw you outside.
Roomie: I emailed the lady at the newspaper.
Me: (did he just say newspaper?) What? Why? So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news? Or, maybe she plans to beat him to death with the paper?
Roomie: No, she's a bird expert. She told me the reasons.
Me: Seriously, dude, go f**k yourself and her too. Get rid of that bird, or I’m going Rambo 1, 2 and 3 on all your a**es!
Roomie: Maybe the bird will find a mate before that happens. Besides, I like my a** & I need it for mating. (he starts laughing)
Me: (giggling at how totally stupid funny he just was) Well, woodpecker lover, the little sh*t has 24-hours to get his pecking packed and gone with his new mate, or else....
Roomie: JB, you can't kill it.
Me: Why, are you going to stop me?
Roomie: I’ll figure something out, I swear to you. I know when you say something, you’ll do it. Just please don't, OK?
Me: Like I said, you got 24 hours, or I'm coming to you at 4:30am and banging up on your bedroom window, naked, with my box right in full view. Are you getting a visual, hmm??
Roomie: Oh, for the love of God, not your box!
Me: Yeah, the box... all Brazilianed (is that even a word? whatever...) and nice just for you. Are you still liking that bird now? 24 hours... that’s what you have.
Back downstairs he went and got on the phone with God knows who to figure out what to do about the woodpecker. Meanwhile, what do I hear as I'm rolling out of bed to make my way to the bathroom? Pecking. PECKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm telling you, people, that bird is dead. D-E-A-D... dead.
JB
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Anna & Her Gang
At least once a week there is this one particular elderly woman that I usually end up serving at the deli. Unlike some people, she never causes me any grief, so imagine how surprised (more like shocked) I was last week when I discovered that the old gal is not as innocent as she seems.
Manager: (who was standing beside me at the time, nudges me and whispers) Watch out for that old lady.
Me: (glancing in the direction my manager was looking) Who? (seeing the old woman) Her? She’s really nice.
Manager: Oh, you think?
Me: Yeah, why?
Manager: She’s a shoplifter.
Me: (stunned) What??
Manager: Not only that, she’s the leader of an entire gang of old folks who steal.
Me: (super duper stunned) WHAT??!!
Manager: It’s true.
Me: OMG, how many of them are there?
Manager: Including Anna, there are six.
Me: Anna?? You know her name?
Manager: Oh, yeah. Anna & her gang made the paper for stealing from one end of the city to the other.
Me: Seriously? They steal citywide?
Manager: Yup. They all come in together, but only one does the actual stealing because the rest are busy causing some sort of distraction so that everyone comes to the rescue of old folks in distress.
Me: (laughing) OMG, that is so crazy!! What the h*ll are they stealing?
Manager: Meat, cheese, milk… You name it, they steal it.
Me: (still laughing) Holy crap!
Manager: I can't believe you haven't seen them in the winter. Anna wears this big fur coat with inside pockets and she stashes meat in them.
Me: (practically on the floor laughing) Fur coat??!! Meat??!!
Manager: Yup, they really got a thing for meat.
Me: OMG, what do they do with it?
Manager: They go back to the retirement home and sell their stolen goods to the other old people… with a mark up.
Me: WHAT?? They do not!! No!!!
Manager: I'm totally serious.
Me: OMG, I have to ask my sister if she’s seen them in her store.
Manager: I wouldn't doubt it.
When I got home, the first thing I did was call up my sister to ask about Anna & her gang. Being the know-it-all that my sister is, I should have known that she’d heard about them long before I did.
Sister: Uh, yeah, stupid (oh, how she loves me), it’s the same bunch of old folks that steal from stores in our end of the city.
Me: Are you kidding me? They go all the way to where you are too?
Sister: Sure, they were here last week. They go from one end of the city to the other so they don't get caught.
Me: Holy sh*t!!
Sister: We know about them though, so our floor walkers (i.e. undercover security) stay right behind them all the time.
Me: But they're old people.
Sister: And they’re f**kin' evil! (OK, easy, girl) They resell what they steal to their old friends for double the cost.
Me: Geez, it's like a fu**ked up version of Robin Hood.
Sister: (laughing) Yeah, pretty much.
After I hung up the phone, I sat back & tried to make sense of it all. I mean, what the heck is going on? Could it be that Anna and her gang are so bored that they have to get their kicks by stealing? Are things so bad in their retirement home that they have to steal food & other items? I don't know what to think.
JB
Manager: (who was standing beside me at the time, nudges me and whispers) Watch out for that old lady.
Me: (glancing in the direction my manager was looking) Who? (seeing the old woman) Her? She’s really nice.
Manager: Oh, you think?
Me: Yeah, why?
Manager: She’s a shoplifter.
Me: (stunned) What??
Manager: Not only that, she’s the leader of an entire gang of old folks who steal.
Me: (super duper stunned) WHAT??!!
Manager: It’s true.
Me: OMG, how many of them are there?
Manager: Including Anna, there are six.
Me: Anna?? You know her name?
Manager: Oh, yeah. Anna & her gang made the paper for stealing from one end of the city to the other.
Me: Seriously? They steal citywide?
Manager: Yup. They all come in together, but only one does the actual stealing because the rest are busy causing some sort of distraction so that everyone comes to the rescue of old folks in distress.
Me: (laughing) OMG, that is so crazy!! What the h*ll are they stealing?
Manager: Meat, cheese, milk… You name it, they steal it.
Me: (still laughing) Holy crap!
Manager: I can't believe you haven't seen them in the winter. Anna wears this big fur coat with inside pockets and she stashes meat in them.
Me: (practically on the floor laughing) Fur coat??!! Meat??!!
Manager: Yup, they really got a thing for meat.
Me: OMG, what do they do with it?
Manager: They go back to the retirement home and sell their stolen goods to the other old people… with a mark up.
Me: WHAT?? They do not!! No!!!
Manager: I'm totally serious.
Me: OMG, I have to ask my sister if she’s seen them in her store.
Manager: I wouldn't doubt it.
When I got home, the first thing I did was call up my sister to ask about Anna & her gang. Being the know-it-all that my sister is, I should have known that she’d heard about them long before I did.
Sister: Uh, yeah, stupid (oh, how she loves me), it’s the same bunch of old folks that steal from stores in our end of the city.
Me: Are you kidding me? They go all the way to where you are too?
Sister: Sure, they were here last week. They go from one end of the city to the other so they don't get caught.
Me: Holy sh*t!!
Sister: We know about them though, so our floor walkers (i.e. undercover security) stay right behind them all the time.
Me: But they're old people.
Sister: And they’re f**kin' evil! (OK, easy, girl) They resell what they steal to their old friends for double the cost.
Me: Geez, it's like a fu**ked up version of Robin Hood.
Sister: (laughing) Yeah, pretty much.
After I hung up the phone, I sat back & tried to make sense of it all. I mean, what the heck is going on? Could it be that Anna and her gang are so bored that they have to get their kicks by stealing? Are things so bad in their retirement home that they have to steal food & other items? I don't know what to think.
JB
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