The Beach, The Journal, and The Universe

Today was one of the most beautiful days we've had all summer. As soon as I placed my feet on the floor this morning, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and harmony come over me. The first thing I did was give thanks for the great day that had revealed itself to me. The strange thing was that I had this sudden urge to go to the beach. I have no idea why. There's a pool in my yard, but the beach was calling me. So, I packed my bag with water, cereal bars, gum, the book I'm reading right now (The Saint The Surfer And The CEO) my journal, two pens, a beach blanket, and a jacket to use as a pillow. I put a bandanna on to keep my hair out of my face, slipped on my sunglasses, and off I went. As I was leaving, I got a call from a friend who asked me to go hang out, but I really needed to be alone today. I needed to go to the beach.

It was early, so finding parking was easy. I walked over to my favorite place, under a tree that I love, and threw down my blanket right next to the water. I like that spot because it not only has good shade, but also good sun if you move to sit more forward. The water was calm and the smell of life was over powering my senses. I could smell the leaves of the tree, the flowers a few feet away from me, and the light breeze that was blowing. The summer air was hypnotizing me. I lay down and closed my eyes to soak it all up. I was so happy just being, just living the moment. I felt tears welling up inside me... happy, joyous tears. For me, it was a great moment to be alive.

I read for a little while, and then I began to write down my thoughts. I was using the old journal that I started when my breakup happened, the one full of all the lies, all the bullsh*t, and I really wanted to finish it off. I wrote stuff that I needed to get off my chest, and I finally got the lesson that these last three years were trying to reveal to me. It was like I was writing my mission statement, just like Tom Cruise did in the movie Jerry Maguire. At first, it felt odd, but then the words just flowed, like the small waves that where drifting in and out the shore line in front of me.

When I got to the last page of the journal that's been my crutch, my record of sadness and hate, I wrote down these final lines: I am free now of the chains that I have carried around for the last three years. I am never going to let the past be my present. I will love with all that I have and never regret whether it was good or bad. I will live a full life and not a half life. I will be true to myself and live with a true heart. I will never just exist for anyone else, but myself. I will love me forever. My life book is mine to write, no one else’s. I am one with the power that fills me & the joy that I am living in total harmony with the universe and nature.

After I closed the journal, I lay back down, closed my eyes, and started to cry. I knew that the story was over because I had finally forgiven myself. I could feel love filling every inch of my core. I was back... me... JB... I was back -- and, before I left for home, there was one more thing that I just had to do. I walked to farthest end of the beach, climbed up on a really big rock, and tossed the journal into the water just like a Frisbee. As I watched it float away, the feeling inside me was like nothing I have ever felt.

Throwing away that journal was the perfect end to a perfect morning that literally ended there because I almost hit a car pulling out of my parking spot. When I looked at the driver, staring back at me was a familiar face. Here I was, heading home in great spirits, and I just missed having a run in with none other than my Ex. How's that for irony? I just stared, completely stunned. I have no idea what it all means, but clearly the Universe works in mysterious ways.

JB

Divine Intervention: My Conversation With God

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, and would like to share it with all of you. It started about 5 months ago. I had a really tough day at work with my mom and sister, and all I wanted was to get the hell out of dodge and not look back. The absolute final straw was my Ex calling me up, crying on the phone, giving me her "this is who I am" & "never speak to me again" bullsh*t.

Truly, it was a hellish day, and I couldn't deal anymore. I ended up leaving in the middle of service. As I headed home, I experienced a wicked flash of a blackout. I pulled over, and I thought for sure that I was going to pass out, so I closed my eyes and just sat for about 30 minutes, until everything stopped spinning.

When I got home, I threw my stuff on my bedroom floor, stripped down naked, and just fell to my knees and started to weep like a child. I cried for an hour straight, praying to God (I can't remember the last time I really prayed to Him) to release me from the chains that were holding me down. I told Him, I surrender. I quit. He wins. I’m throwing down the white flag. I am beat. Please, make the pain stop. Please, stop this aching in my core. I can’t bare it anymore.

When the tears finally stopped, I was surrounded by wet Kleenex, and my cat was staring at me with a look that said, "Are you going to feed me anytime soon or are you going to continue crying?" I got up, still naked, and fed the cat. Then, I pulled my yoga mat to my bed, got on my knees, blew my nose, and started to pray again. Please, I surrender to you, I told God. I have been beat, ripped, punched, pummeled, and here I kneel before You, asking You to release me from this agony. I said, please guide my foot steps, and may Thy will be done. Whatever it is, I am ready to receive it. Have I not proven myself to You? Have I not done enough good to deserve a little reprieve from all of this? God, are you there listening to me? Please, send me a sign. I promise to listen, watch, pay attention, and be more aware of the path of others. I asked Him to pray for those who have lost their way to be guided back onto the right path. I could feel the tears coming, and they came. I held my head in my hands and rocked myself. I felt like I was caught between Heaven and Hell, and I asked God to send me to either one place or the other. I just wanted to be released, to be free, and to live true to my heart... to live a full life and not a half life.

So, there you have it, my conversation with God, and I am so glad for it because the next day everything changed for me. I had sense of clarity and feelings of peace & harmony. I can't explain it, but I think that some Divine intervention took place that night.

Peace,
JB